Mother's Day 2014

My first Mother’s Day was incredible.  I am so honored that I have been given the title of “Momma”.  I love it.  I don’t think there is a better title for anything else.

I will say that this was my first Mother’s Day without my Mamaw.  I know that she’s looking down on me as I try my best to be a ‘good mother’.  I know I am instilling the lessons she taught me, into my mothering of Little Boy.

I am writing this post, on the heel of my miscarriage story so I can share with you my Mamaw’s Mother’s Day gift she gave me.  All I can say is, she knew exactly what I needed for my first Mother’s Day.

It all started Thursday night when I went to bed.  I placed Little Boy in his crib, we said our prayers and off I went to close out my day.  As I got ready to go to sleep I said my prayers and specifically remember asking, “Lord, please tell Mamaw and Baby Kimble ‘hello’ from me.”  10 simple words; one powerful dream.

As I drifted off to sleep I began to dream.  I dreamed something so beautiful and special that I wanted to share it with you, because God is SO good.

I don’t know if I was in Heaven, but I was standing behind a glass window, peering into a beautifully manicured garden.  I looked at flowers upon flowers of pinks, yellows, and purples.  Roses, lilies, daisies, beautifully cared for; it was the most beautiful flower garden I had ever seen.  I can’t begin to describe how bright and beautiful this garden was, how lush and green the grass was, how this garden was surrounded with utter peace.

As I continued to study the garden, I saw my Mamaw walking with a young toddler.  The toddler was a little brown hair girl, wearing a little girly dress.  I couldn’t quite make out her face, but I could tell she is special needs.  I knew immediately whom this little girl belonged to.  She was mine.  My Mamaw was walking with my little girl, in her flower garden.

As I continued to watch this garden scene unfold, my Mamaw was showing off all of the flowers.  Mamaw was naming them, and educating my little girl on how to care for them.  I watched where my Mamaw was walking hand in hand with this tiny girl.  I couldn’t take my eyes off them.

Suddenly it seemed that she realized that they were being watched.  Mamaw looked over her shoulder, and right at me.  Everything in that moment stopped.  I gazed right into my Mamaw’s eyes.  Never missing a beat, she smiled at me and said, “Everything is OK.”  They continued to walk until I was no longer able to see them.  I could tell they were both happy, and loved spending time together.  It was evident in my Mamaw’s smile, and the way my little girl wouldn’t let go of her great-grandmother’s hand.

I woke up Friday morning of Mother’s Day weekend whole, happy.  Although I couldn’t make out my little girl’s face, I saw her.  God granted me a glimpse at what’s waiting for me. Mamaw is happy, and continuing to care for a little girl.  My little Kimble is happy.  She has a great-grandmother who adores her.  I am happy knowing that while I wait, I have a peace in knowing that everything is OK. 

Becoming the New Me: Bitter or Better?

First, I'd like to thank you for sticking around and reading all of my blog posts.  Second I have to say that my thoughts, and these words are dedicated to Baby One.  Baby One does have a name.  Their name is Kimble, after my Papaw.  I always said that my first child would be named after him.  From the moment I took my first pregnancy test, and it was positive, they had already had a name.

I tired to name our second baby Kimble, but it just didn’t feel right.  I feel that now is the time to tell you that we held onto the name Kimble because it was already taken.  Our sweet little baby in Heaven is walking the streets of gold with their great-grandfather, whom is their namesake.  Baby Kimble crosses my mind everyday!  There isn’t a day that goes by that I haven’t thought about where we would be if they had lived.  I think about who they would look like, what they would sound like, who they would act like!

Then I also have the thought that if Baby Kimble would have survived, I would not have my Little Boy.  I can’t imagine my life without my Little Boy.  I am grateful that Baby Kimble thought it was fit to let their brother live.  I am forever grateful.

I titled my story ‘Becoming the New Me’ because I am no longer the girl you used to know.  I am a newer and better version of the old me.  I feel that I have overcome the lowest low I have ever faced- and for that I am thankful.

I know I was able to overcome my miscarriage because of my family- especially my Dad.  I was able to overcome because of friends who stood by me when I got mean and nasty and didn’t judge me for the way I was acting.  Lastly, Mr. helped me a lot.

I can’t speak for my Mr. I know he had a really hard job trying to keep it together for me; but I never once thought about him- and what he was going through.  He had lost a baby too.  I was so wrapped up in what I was feeling and myself; I forgot to see how my Mr. was.  Husbands of wives who have miscarried have THE hardest job in the world.  I can’t even begin to describe it to you.

This blog will conclude my journey through miscarrying- but I do hope you read this particular post with an open heart and an open mind.

I want to share with you a recent sermon that was preached by our Senior Pastor at church March 30, 2014.  This friend makes me feel like I have finally come full circle.  The title of the sermon was, “Never Once: A Song for Suffering.”  Our Senior Pastor taught out of the book of Psalms that morning…and I want to share with you what I learned.  I want you to see that even though I went on this terrible journey- God was with me.  God was for me.  God carried me through it.

Psalm 13

New International Version (NIV)

A psalm of David

1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?  2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?  How long will my enemy triumph over me?  3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.  Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, 4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

Sound familiar?  It seems that God is distant to David; David feels abandoned.  I can totally relate- been there, done that, and I have the t-shirt.  Have you ever felt this way?  Maybe you didn’t suffer a miscarriage, but you have faced some type of anguish in your life?  Obviously this feeling of abandonment from God is something we face…I mean David of all people had felt it.  (This David is the David that killed Goliath, with a slingshot and stone.  How could HE feel this way?  So I am not alone?…)

Check out the next two verses:

5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  6 I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me. 

David begins with a ‘sigh’ and ends in a song.  God will never leave your side!  Some suffering we can’t explain- that’s OK though- there is a purpose!  Sometimes suffering leads to maturity and will be used for future services. When we go through pain and suffer…it will either drive you to The Lord or away from Him.

Because of my suffering, I feel that I have a better relationship with God.  I have a stronger marriage.  I have a love for my Little Boy that I could NEVER explain to you.  God entrusted this baby boy to Mr. and myself- you best believe I am forever thankful.  He is so special…and I know that every mother feels this way.  When you lose a baby, and are given a second chance- the love you have is entirely different.  I can’t explain it- but I know mothers out there who are in the exact same position as me get it.

As this part of my story comes to an end, I want to thank you for reading my blog about my experience.  I know that I am not the only woman to experience this.  I looked everywhere for something to help me cope with my loss.  There are no books out there on miscarrying that really were able to convey how I was feeling.  If you have stumbled upon this blog- I hope that I have been able to share that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope that you were able to learn something from my posts.  I also hope that you never have to go through what I went through.  We will have times of suffering in life.  I hope that I can leave you with a few scriptures that have been very helpful when it comes to suffering.

John 16:33

New Living Translation (NLT)

33 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

John 10:10

New King James Version (NKJV)

10 The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

Psalm 56:3

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

3 When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.

Psalm 23

New King James Version (NKJV)

The Lord the Shepherd of His People

A Psalm of David

1The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.  2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.  3 He restores my soul;
 He leads me in the paths of righteousness 
for His name’s sake.  4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, 
I will fear no evil;
 For You are with me; 
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.  5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; 
You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over.  6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
 all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
 Forever.

What I have learned is not to blame God.  Trust God.  Trust that He will overcome the devil and his ploys.  So when you face adversity, does it make you bitter or better?  I came out better, and I pray that you will too.

Becoming the New Me: Pregnancy After Miscarrying

I can’t even being to tell you how excited people were about our second pregnancy.  The outpouring of love was amazing, and helped slightly with the healing of my heart.  Here is how I was able to make it to 39 weeks 4 days, and become a mother to the most precious Little Boy.

I was very anxious throughout my entire pregnancy.  I didn’t do any kind of planning.  I didn’t do much “talk about the future.”  I took this pregnancy one day at a time.  I gave this pregnancy over to God.  Only He was able to make this work.  Without Him, nothing could be done.

We went to the doctor at 8 weeks, and had an ultrasound.  Mr. came with me to this appointment but got a call on his phone from work, so he didn’t make it back to the ultrasound room.  I laid there on the bed thinking, ‘I was here 5 months ago- and the outcome wasn’t good, Lord help me.’  The ultrasound tech moved the wand around, and caught a glimpse of our baby.  I could see them!  I could hear their heart beat!  I saw our baby laying and waving their little arms around like, “Hey, Momma!”

I had come full circle.  5 months ago I was looking at an empty ultrasound screen- now I was looking at a screen that proved there was a life growing inside me!  I couldn’t believe how gracious God was.  I still can’t do this day.

 

We went to the doctor every four weeks for check ups.  Everything was perfectly normal.  But, remember those mind games I told you about?  Those would still haunt me.  Every move I made, every ligament stretch I felt, scared me.  I was so afraid that I was going to lose this baby.  I researched way too much to try and find out what this pain was or that pain.  I got on message boards and asked other expecting mothers if they were experiencing the same pains I was.  I didn’t feel Little Boy move until 23 weeks.  I freaked out because everyone around me who was pregnant had felt their baby move.  I was a nutcase.

If you haven’t lost a baby yourself- you can’t and never will relate to someone like me.  You can’t tell someone like me to quit worrying.  You can’t tell someone like me to enjoy being pregnant.  You can’t tell someone like me to get over the past and enjoy what’s ahead.

Yes, I was told all those things.  Let me repeat- if you haven’t lost a baby yourself- you can’t and never will relate to someone like me.  You may know of someone who miscarried.  You may be related to someone who has miscarried.  BUT- unless you go through it, word to the wise, keep your mouth shut. 

I worried about my Little Boy up until I delivered.  I selected to deliver our baby by C-section.  Yes, you read that right.  I chose to have a C-section.  Myself, Mr. and my doctor talked about it for three months.  It was a planned birth, and I’m sure you’re asking yourself why I chose to do this?

I chose to have a C-section because I had lost a baby before.  People had plenty of opinions about this too.  I asked my doctor in August what the safest way of delivery is for a baby.  She said safest for baby is C-section, safest for mom is natural.  Guess what, I wanted what was safest for my little boy.  I didn’t want to run the risk of losing him.  If you haven’t lost a baby yourself- you can’t and never will relate to someone like me.  I’m sure you have your opinions about that now, but guess what- everything was OK.  Little Boy was born healthy and happy on October 30, 2013.  I had no recovery issues, no problems at all.  So if you have opinions about what our decision was about delivery- keep them to yourself.

Pregnancy after miscarrying is not easy.  You will be sacred the entire time you’re pregnant.  You will worry about every doctor’s visit.  You will never be OK with being pregnant. You have been robbed of the joy of being pregnant.  All you are going to want to do is get your baby here, and hold them in your arms.  And you know what…that’s OK.

Becoming the New Me: Second Chance

2013 rolled in, and I was ready to make a change.  I knew that if I was ready to try and have another baby, I was going to have to make peace with my past.  I was going to have to put on some type of ‘armor’ if I was ready to run the risk of miscarrying again.  I was going to have to get myself together, if I was going to become a mother.

I made a vow with myself that I was going to make a change and become more positive.  Think of the good things, ignore the negative; boy did people notice!  I was fine with not having ‘friends’.  I was fine with working on my relationship with Mr. I was fine with being told, “You’re fake.”

I can’t tell you where this epiphany came from.  (God!)  I just knew that if I were going to be a good mother, I was going to have to have a good attitude.  I was going to have to stop gossiping.  I was going to have to apologize to ladies whom I was jealous of because they were expecting.  Most importantly, I was going to have to make peace with God.   

Can I tell you that it’s hard to put your pride aside to do the right thing?  I needed to ask for forgiveness.  It wasn’t easy, it was embarrassing to go to ladies and be honest with them about how envious I was.  It was hard to separate myself from ‘friends’ who let me gossip (old habits die hard).  It was hard to come before God after being so rude to Him, and ask Him to forget what I had said and done to Him.

I had to ask God to forgive me for being such a brat.  I was absolutely hateful to Him.  I didn’t deserve His forgiveness.  I didn’t deserve what He was about to give me.

(Can you see why people thought I was ‘fake’?  I was trying my best to get back to the real me, and the devil still wanted to put obstacles in my way.  I didn’t care though- I needed to not only be physically healthy to have a baby; I needed to be mentally healthy as well.  Being more positive was the one thing I really needed to work on.  Getting back into The Word, reading my devotional- that helped too.)

February rolls in, and I find a huge surprise.  I was pregnant with our second baby.  I couldn’t believe it.  I mean, were we trying- yes.  Did I expect it- no.  It had been five agonizing months of negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test.

Mr. and I were elated.  I thanked God for blessing me with the opportunity to be a mother.  I thanked Him for giving me a second chance.

April 27, 2013 was a day I was dreading.  It was Baby One’s due date.  With strength that only God could give, and the fact I knew a little brother/sister was growing inside of me- I made it through the day.  I silently sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to them, and was happy to know that they were celebrating their birthday with Jesus and my Papaw.

With the silent celebration over, it was time to let everyone know that Mr. and I were about to become Daddy and Mommy.