Becoming the New Me: Road to Recovery?

I bet you’re thinking that since God ever so clearly showed me Grace, I repented and everything went back to normal for me, right?  Heck no.  Friends, I come to you with this testament that I am a sinner.  I raged a war between my Heavenly Father and myself.  I let the devil get the best of me and turn me into a hateful, jealous, and spiteful woman.

I lost something that was so precious Labor Day weekend.  Something that I thought I deserved because I had been a ‘good girl’ all of my life.  From that loss, I turned into someone I didn’t even know.  I become a gossip.  I became envious of every pregnant lady I knew.  I was very bitter.

I formed friendships and lost friendships with the way I behaved.  I was mean, nasty, and ugly.  If someone complained about being pregnant, you best believe I talked about her behind her back.  I couldn’t understand why you would complain about being pregnant.  You still had a baby growing inside you.   

I declined baby shower invites because I didn’t want to see someone who was pregnant.  My heart was black.  So black that even my Mr. didn’t recognize me, and did not like the person I was turning into.  I didn’t care.  I didn’t care about anything but my lost baby.

I was in such a dark place.  This place I was in, I hope I never visit it again.  I felt empty.  I felt alone.  I felt lost.  No one could say anything to me to make me feel better.  I felt like Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hide.  I would go to work, teach to my best ability and come home and hate myself.  It was tough.  It was hard keeping up a front for my third graders.  I did though.  I was not going to let them suffer because of something that happened in my personal life.  My co-workers saw through it though.  Some cared- and I’ll just leave it at that.

At the end of 2012, Christmas was approaching and I was looking forward to time off.  I wasn’t looking forward to spending two weeks alone though.  I needed a break.  I needed to try and get myself together.

I remember a conversation I had with my Dad over the holidays about how I wanted to find the old me again.  I was fed up with the negativity.  I was fed up with the bitterness.  I was ready to give it all up.  He said to me, “Ok- go find her.”

Boy was I ready to go and find K.  But, as I embarked on this journey- I found a more interesting K along the way.