Becoming the New Me: Bitter or Better?

First, I'd like to thank you for sticking around and reading all of my blog posts.  Second I have to say that my thoughts, and these words are dedicated to Baby One.  Baby One does have a name.  Their name is Kimble, after my Papaw.  I always said that my first child would be named after him.  From the moment I took my first pregnancy test, and it was positive, they had already had a name.

I tired to name our second baby Kimble, but it just didn’t feel right.  I feel that now is the time to tell you that we held onto the name Kimble because it was already taken.  Our sweet little baby in Heaven is walking the streets of gold with their great-grandfather, whom is their namesake.  Baby Kimble crosses my mind everyday!  There isn’t a day that goes by that I haven’t thought about where we would be if they had lived.  I think about who they would look like, what they would sound like, who they would act like!

Then I also have the thought that if Baby Kimble would have survived, I would not have my Little Boy.  I can’t imagine my life without my Little Boy.  I am grateful that Baby Kimble thought it was fit to let their brother live.  I am forever grateful.

I titled my story ‘Becoming the New Me’ because I am no longer the girl you used to know.  I am a newer and better version of the old me.  I feel that I have overcome the lowest low I have ever faced- and for that I am thankful.

I know I was able to overcome my miscarriage because of my family- especially my Dad.  I was able to overcome because of friends who stood by me when I got mean and nasty and didn’t judge me for the way I was acting.  Lastly, Mr. helped me a lot.

I can’t speak for my Mr. I know he had a really hard job trying to keep it together for me; but I never once thought about him- and what he was going through.  He had lost a baby too.  I was so wrapped up in what I was feeling and myself; I forgot to see how my Mr. was.  Husbands of wives who have miscarried have THE hardest job in the world.  I can’t even begin to describe it to you.

This blog will conclude my journey through miscarrying- but I do hope you read this particular post with an open heart and an open mind.

I want to share with you a recent sermon that was preached by our Senior Pastor at church March 30, 2014.  This friend makes me feel like I have finally come full circle.  The title of the sermon was, “Never Once: A Song for Suffering.”  Our Senior Pastor taught out of the book of Psalms that morning…and I want to share with you what I learned.  I want you to see that even though I went on this terrible journey- God was with me.  God was for me.  God carried me through it.

Psalm 13

New International Version (NIV)

A psalm of David

1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?  2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?  How long will my enemy triumph over me?  3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.  Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, 4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

Sound familiar?  It seems that God is distant to David; David feels abandoned.  I can totally relate- been there, done that, and I have the t-shirt.  Have you ever felt this way?  Maybe you didn’t suffer a miscarriage, but you have faced some type of anguish in your life?  Obviously this feeling of abandonment from God is something we face…I mean David of all people had felt it.  (This David is the David that killed Goliath, with a slingshot and stone.  How could HE feel this way?  So I am not alone?…)

Check out the next two verses:

5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  6 I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me. 

David begins with a ‘sigh’ and ends in a song.  God will never leave your side!  Some suffering we can’t explain- that’s OK though- there is a purpose!  Sometimes suffering leads to maturity and will be used for future services. When we go through pain and suffer…it will either drive you to The Lord or away from Him.

Because of my suffering, I feel that I have a better relationship with God.  I have a stronger marriage.  I have a love for my Little Boy that I could NEVER explain to you.  God entrusted this baby boy to Mr. and myself- you best believe I am forever thankful.  He is so special…and I know that every mother feels this way.  When you lose a baby, and are given a second chance- the love you have is entirely different.  I can’t explain it- but I know mothers out there who are in the exact same position as me get it.

As this part of my story comes to an end, I want to thank you for reading my blog about my experience.  I know that I am not the only woman to experience this.  I looked everywhere for something to help me cope with my loss.  There are no books out there on miscarrying that really were able to convey how I was feeling.  If you have stumbled upon this blog- I hope that I have been able to share that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope that you were able to learn something from my posts.  I also hope that you never have to go through what I went through.  We will have times of suffering in life.  I hope that I can leave you with a few scriptures that have been very helpful when it comes to suffering.

John 16:33

New Living Translation (NLT)

33 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

John 10:10

New King James Version (NKJV)

10 The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

Psalm 56:3

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

3 When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.

Psalm 23

New King James Version (NKJV)

The Lord the Shepherd of His People

A Psalm of David

1The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.  2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.  3 He restores my soul;
 He leads me in the paths of righteousness 
for His name’s sake.  4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, 
I will fear no evil;
 For You are with me; 
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.  5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; 
You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over.  6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
 all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
 Forever.

What I have learned is not to blame God.  Trust God.  Trust that He will overcome the devil and his ploys.  So when you face adversity, does it make you bitter or better?  I came out better, and I pray that you will too.