Becoming the New Me: Pregnancy After Miscarrying

I can’t even being to tell you how excited people were about our second pregnancy.  The outpouring of love was amazing, and helped slightly with the healing of my heart.  Here is how I was able to make it to 39 weeks 4 days, and become a mother to the most precious Little Boy.

I was very anxious throughout my entire pregnancy.  I didn’t do any kind of planning.  I didn’t do much “talk about the future.”  I took this pregnancy one day at a time.  I gave this pregnancy over to God.  Only He was able to make this work.  Without Him, nothing could be done.

We went to the doctor at 8 weeks, and had an ultrasound.  Mr. came with me to this appointment but got a call on his phone from work, so he didn’t make it back to the ultrasound room.  I laid there on the bed thinking, ‘I was here 5 months ago- and the outcome wasn’t good, Lord help me.’  The ultrasound tech moved the wand around, and caught a glimpse of our baby.  I could see them!  I could hear their heart beat!  I saw our baby laying and waving their little arms around like, “Hey, Momma!”

I had come full circle.  5 months ago I was looking at an empty ultrasound screen- now I was looking at a screen that proved there was a life growing inside me!  I couldn’t believe how gracious God was.  I still can’t do this day.

 

We went to the doctor every four weeks for check ups.  Everything was perfectly normal.  But, remember those mind games I told you about?  Those would still haunt me.  Every move I made, every ligament stretch I felt, scared me.  I was so afraid that I was going to lose this baby.  I researched way too much to try and find out what this pain was or that pain.  I got on message boards and asked other expecting mothers if they were experiencing the same pains I was.  I didn’t feel Little Boy move until 23 weeks.  I freaked out because everyone around me who was pregnant had felt their baby move.  I was a nutcase.

If you haven’t lost a baby yourself- you can’t and never will relate to someone like me.  You can’t tell someone like me to quit worrying.  You can’t tell someone like me to enjoy being pregnant.  You can’t tell someone like me to get over the past and enjoy what’s ahead.

Yes, I was told all those things.  Let me repeat- if you haven’t lost a baby yourself- you can’t and never will relate to someone like me.  You may know of someone who miscarried.  You may be related to someone who has miscarried.  BUT- unless you go through it, word to the wise, keep your mouth shut. 

I worried about my Little Boy up until I delivered.  I selected to deliver our baby by C-section.  Yes, you read that right.  I chose to have a C-section.  Myself, Mr. and my doctor talked about it for three months.  It was a planned birth, and I’m sure you’re asking yourself why I chose to do this?

I chose to have a C-section because I had lost a baby before.  People had plenty of opinions about this too.  I asked my doctor in August what the safest way of delivery is for a baby.  She said safest for baby is C-section, safest for mom is natural.  Guess what, I wanted what was safest for my little boy.  I didn’t want to run the risk of losing him.  If you haven’t lost a baby yourself- you can’t and never will relate to someone like me.  I’m sure you have your opinions about that now, but guess what- everything was OK.  Little Boy was born healthy and happy on October 30, 2013.  I had no recovery issues, no problems at all.  So if you have opinions about what our decision was about delivery- keep them to yourself.

Pregnancy after miscarrying is not easy.  You will be sacred the entire time you’re pregnant.  You will worry about every doctor’s visit.  You will never be OK with being pregnant. You have been robbed of the joy of being pregnant.  All you are going to want to do is get your baby here, and hold them in your arms.  And you know what…that’s OK.